Mary Sues 101
by NYgoldfish54
Summary: The Ducks are teaching a class on Mary Sue. Come, watch, learn. WARNING: there will be much Mary Sue mocking and bashing ahead. It will be loud, messy, and quite possibly violent, but it will be fun. Read and review - if you can handle it.
1. Introduction

**Title:** Mary Sues 101  
**Rating: **PG/PG-13 for some language and some raunchy humor  
**Summary: **the Ducks are teaching a class on Mary Sue. Come, watch, learn.  
**Dedication: **for Star, who conspired with me, giving me the idea to have the Ducks teaching a class.…I bow to you. Also for everyone else who can't stand the Mary Sues running rampant through the Ducks fandom.  
**Feedback:** hit the review button. Go on, I _dare_ ya.  
**Special Thanks: **this story was heavily inspired by **Feana Puddlefoot (user ID: 113486)**, who wrote _The Essential Guide to Mary Sue_ in the Lord of the Rings fandom. She has allowed people to borrow both the idea and format. I'm writing it for the Ducks fandom with a different twist, but she gets all credit for the original idea and some of the formatting. Thank you for giving me such a great idea. More special thanks to **StalkyStar (user ID: 143987)** for lending me the names and categories from the Queertet "Which Mary Sue Are You?" test. Cheers.  
**Disclaimer:** the Mighty Ducks belong to Disney.  
**Story Notes: **I am making fun of Mary Sues. I am not talking about anyone in particular. Please don't leave me reviews talking about how mean I am because I'm picking on you. I'm not picking on you. I am merely poking fun at Mary Sues. Any similarities you see between what I'm mocking and your character are purely coincidental. I have written my own original characters, and one of them is somewhat Mary Sue. See, I'm making fun of myself too. It's all in good fun.  
**(Not So) Friendly Warning: **Please don't plagiarize. If you do, you will be reported for abuse. On a similar note, don't run out and do the same thing. Do it in a different fandom or give it an original twist of your own. If you do it in this fandom, I'll just find you annoying.

So let's get this show on the road, eh? Happy reading, and do me the favor of reviewing, all right? Cheers!

* * *

_Mary Sues 101  
Introduction - according to Charlie_

"Fan fiction readers, writers, fangirls, and casual observers, welcome to Mary Sues 101. I'm Charlie Conway, captain of the Mighty Ducks, and these fine people here with me are my teammates: Les Averman, Julie Gaffney, Fulton Reed, Dean Portman, Adam Banks, Connie Moreau, Guy Germaine, Greg Goldberg, Kenny Wu, Russ Tyler, Dwayne Robertson, and Luis Mendoza.

Mary Sues 101 is a class taught by us, the Ducks, to educate you, the readers/students, on Mary Sue. She's been running rampant at Eden Hall lately, and must be stopped. She must be destroyed before our fandom is completely obliterated!

We realize that you people out there in fan fiction land enjoy creating characters, and you can pair us with anyone you like. Hell, I've been paired with Adam just about a thousand times, and personally think he's the ugliest thing since-"

"Watch it, Charlie."

"Oh, um, sorry Adam. It's nothing personal. Anyway, pairings are not what we're worried about. We can have wild, drunken orgies in the dorms and life would be good as long as no Mary Sue was involved. So please, for our dignity, and the dignity of our fandom, please heed our advice concerning Mary Sue! She is evil, we hate her, and must see her destroyed!

'How do we recognize and avoid Mary Sue?' you ask.

Well, it is difficult, but we, the Ducks, are here to help! We've put together an educational program with each of us, and maybe even two of us, teaching a lesson. We will discuss Mary Sue, theories on what she is, her many forms, how to spot her, and how to avoid her, among other things.

So authors, readers, observers, and fangirls, pull out your pens and get ready to take some notes. The sooner we get through this course, the sooner the fandom becomes a better place.

Kenny Wu will be teaching the first lesson shortly, but before we go any further, let us warn you: there will be blatant Mary Sue bashing ahead. Many Mary Sues will be let out of their cages and will be running wild here, and no matter how cruel it may seem, our goal _is_ to beat them with big sticks. We are a hockey team, after all.

Also, let us warn you that Mary Sue is incredibly irritating with her perfect hair, body, talents, and eyes of every color that change at random. So for those of you who get motion sickness, do not look into Mary Sue's ocean blue/purple sunset/emerald fields/craps of brown eyes. The janitor is off today and I have no desire to clean vomit off the floor.

'But if Mary Sue is perfect, what is the problem?' you ask. You may think she's wonderful at first, but that's how she sucks you in. She wants you to become a Sue creator, and make more Sues. She is power hungry. She wants to take over the fandom by using you, the authors, to breed her. This isn't a game. She wants your soul.

So if you happen to see an incarnation of perfection run by, back away slowly. If one happens to corner you, call a handler. If a handler doesn't come, be afraid. Be _very_ afraid."


	2. Lesson 01

_Mary Sues 101  
Lesson 1: Overview of Sues – according to Kenny_

* * *

Hello, everyone! Having a nice day? That's nice. My name is Kenny Wu, and I will be teaching the first lesson of Mary Sues 101!

But you see, the first part of the first lesson isn't so much a lesson as it is a few theories. What is a Mary Sue? Where does she come from? What's her purpose? These are all questions we take on in the first part of lesson one. So let's begin, shall we?

I guess a good place to start is with the question, 'What is a Mary Sue?'

There are a number of theories about this question. The obvious answer is that she is an original character gone horribly wrong. Some believe she's a demon. Others believe she's a crazy masked man with a mustache.

As for the Ducks, we've developed a different sort of theory. Charlie alluded to it before. We, the Ducks, believe that Mary Sue is actually an evil entity that inhabits the body of the author. She takes over the keyboard and doesn't leave the author until the author is no longer of any use…much like a parasite feeding off a host.

We also believe that this entity can change genders at will – but that's for later in the course; Adam will get really mad if I steal his lesson. He's worked hard on it. Is it just me, or does he have an over-achiever complex? The hockey, the grades, the 'I must make my father happy thing', the constant suicide threat if he fails...but we're not here to analyze Adam's many, many, many personality flaws.

Anyway, this entity inhabits the author to create Sues. These Sues will eventually form their own army and take over the fandom. It is the entity's one purpose, to breed an army of Sues, not on its own, but through the authors of the fandom. The entity wants your soul, and will suck you in. Once it has you, it will feed off you and use you until you are Mary Sue breeding ball of energy, suspended between fandoms, leaving a path of good story destruction wherever you go.

A good analogy would be to compare the Mary Sue entity to the Dementors of the Harry Potter universe, except this is worse. _Much_ worse. Dementors, well, at least you know they're trying to get you. With Mary Sues, you never know exactly who or what they want.

They could want your soul, or they could just want sex. Of course, they only want sex with Adam or Charlie or the Bash Brothers…never people like…me, for example. I don't see why not, I'm just as good as those others in bed, but nobody would know that, because nobody puts me in any type of sexual situation. I have sexual energy too, you know, and nobody likes to be ignored. For God's sake, somebody put me in a sexual situation, please, please, _please! _I mean, it's nice being a good boy, but I've got a bad side too! I could be a sex _God_ if someone just gives me a chance!…not that I'm complaining or bitter or anything.

So where was I? Oh, right, the theory. This theory is, of course, all just a theory that we have. It cannot be proven through any tangible evidence. Keyword: tangible. But if you look carefully enough…oooh, it's there.

Maybe I'd best get along to the rest of the lesson? Hmmm? Sounds good.

More traditionally, Mary Sue is considered by most to be an original character. In our fandom, Mary Sue generally comes in five major types:

Friendly Sue  
Loving Sue  
Naughty Sue  
Angsty Sue  
Perfect Sue

**  
Perfect Sue:  
**When you imagine a typical Mary Sue, this is what you think of. She is where all the other Sues come from. She is the original Sue. The word 'perfect' in her name is self-explanatory. She_ is_ perfect. This is the girl everyone in the real world hates with a fiery passion. In the fandom though, Perfect Sue is loved by everyone she meets. She's good at everything. She gets good grades; she has perfect hair, eyes, skin, and nails. She's gorgeous. She's an athlete, and plays hockey, naturally. She can act, dance, _and _sing all while juggling watermelons and smoking a cigarette. Not that Perfect Sue smokes, she's much too good for such a foul habit! She does Karate, Tae-Kwan-Do, Judo, and can kick an ass the size of Rick Riley while blindfolded. Isn't she precious? Yes, it's ok, she makes us all sick. Go barf, we'll wait.  
**Appearance Rate:** rare to moderate, but she used to be much more common.  
**Most Often Paired With:** Adam, Charlie…and Guy when authors decide to break up Connie and Guy. If the author is into slash, Perfect Sue could be paired up with Connie or Julie, but that plotline isn't often done.  
**Most Likely Hockey Position:** forward, either center or wing, she is not exclusive to either position.  
**Typical Past:** it's 50/50 toss up. It could be terribly tragic or flawless. It depends on the author.  
**Shag-ability:** Perfect Sue can be shagged from time to time, but often, Perfect Sue is too aware of the possible consequences and vows to stay pure 'til her wedding day. She manages to fight all cheap, teenage, animal-like lust she may feel to remain an unplucked fruit.  
**Death:** Perfect Sue is often mercilessly allowed to live on forever by her author. But if she does die, it's usually in some heartbreaking way, like cancer, or kidney failure, or being hit by an 18-wheeler.  
**Most Like:** Loving Sue

**Angsty Sue:  
**Oooh woe is me! I have such a hard life, nobody loves me, boohoo… that's Angsty Sue. Often paranoid about her self-worth, Angsty Sue usually comes off bitchy and obnoxious. Angsty Sue does have some of the qualities of Perfect Sue, but is much less secure about showing them, thankfully. She often is a pain in the ass because she doesn't realize people _do_ care about her. She appears mentally unstable more often then not.  
**Appearance Rate:** common  
**Most Often Paired With:** Adam, Charlie, Fulton, Portman. I've never seen Angsty Sue slashed, but I suppose there will be a first time somewhere down the road.  
**Most Likely Hockey Position:** defense…commonly referred to as an 'enforcer' but that's not an actual position…though many 'enforcers' play defense.  
**Typical Past:** 99.999999 of the time, Angsty Sue has some horribly tragic, angsty, miserable past. Nothing has ever gone right for her. That's what makes her angsty.  
**Shag-ability:** Oh, Angsty Sue is shaggable. I've never shagged her, for reasons mentioned above. But she'll usually let Adam or Charlie or Portman or Fulton do it, because she's so insecure and she wants to keep them as her poor, unwitting slave…I mean, boyfriend. Or it's because she's drunk. Whatever.  
**Death:** Angsty Sue is often threatened by death, but sadly, only rarely dies. She'll attempt suicide, but someone, usually her love-interest, will step in just in time to save her. Or she'll get some horribly fatal disease where the odds of survival are 99 to 1. But she'll beat it. She's a Sue. She lives on.  
**Most Like:** Naughty Sue

**Loving Sue:  
**Oh, my poor baby, I'll take care of you. My poor, poor baby, I love you, wipe away your tears, I'll take care of you…yep, that's Loving Sue. She's more like a mother than a girlfriend, constantly comforting her 'poor baby'…it's complicated, but I think it's a weird takeoff on the Oedipus complex. Anyway, Loving Sue is probably the most annoying of the Sues. She's so loving, caring, understanding, and lastly, nauseating.  
**Appearance Rate:** moderate  
**Most Often Paired With:** Adam, Charlie, Fulton, Portman, Guy (is anybody seeing a pattern yet?). If slashed, Connie or Julie.  
**Most Likely Hockey Position:** Loving Sue probably doesn't play hockey, but if she does, she's a forward or a goalie.  
**Typical Past:** Like Perfect Sue, it's a toss up. It could be tragic and angsty. It could be perfectly happy. It all depends on the author.  
**Shag-ability:** Loving Sue is definitely likely to shag. But it's never because of lust or hormones, or anything remotely related to teenage immaturity. She shags because it's twoooo luuuuv.  
**Death:** Loving Sue doesn't die, and on the off chance she does, it's in some horrific way. And when she dies, there's always just enough time and breath left to give her twoo luv a big speech about how much she loves them.  
**Most Like:** Perfect Sue

**Naughty Sue:  
**Naughty Sue is a lot like Angsty Sue, except twice as tough. She's a tough chick with a badass attitude. She constantly breaks the rules, drinking and smoking, but somehow always manages to get away with it. If she does get busted, she somehow gets off without punishment. Of course she does, she's a Sue!  
**Appearance Rate:** moderate to common  
**Most Often Paired With:** Adam…no wait! Not Adam! Sorry, force of habit. Naught Sue is almost always paired with Portman or Fulton. Again, if slashed she goes with Connie or Julie.  
**Most Likely Hockey Position:** Naughty Sue technically plays defense, but truly, she is an enforcer. Screw the fact it's not a real position! She's an enforcer, and makes Portman and Fulton look like tame, cute, cuddly kittens on the ice.  
**Typical Past:** Naughty Sue would not be Naughty Sue without her horribly tragic, angsty, tormented past and childhood. Rarely is there an exception to this rule.  
**Shag-ability:** Naughty Sue is probably the easiest of the Sues to get into bed, because having sex is considered such a badass thing for a teenage girl to do. She'll stay out four hours past curfew shagging with Fulton or Portman, and never gets caught. Often, this occurs under the influence of…and hide your shock now…alcohol! Scandalous, isn't it? And yes, this is the proper time to roll your eyes.  
**Death:** Naughty Sue is much like Angsty Sue. The threat of death by suicide is constantly there, but her delusional, unwitting boyfriend will usually save her in time. If she does die, it's heartbreaking, usually by falling off a motorcycle or something of that nature.  
**Most Like:** Angsty Sue

**Friendly Sue:  
**Friendly Sue is exactly like her name. She's pretty and popular and is friends with the Ducks without even trying. She's loving toward her significant other. She has her moodswings. Friendly Sue is a bit dull because she tries hard not to be a Sue at all. But because she doesn't overdose on angst and trauma and does have some flaws, she's the best of the God forsaken lot.  
**Appearance Rate:** moderate  
**Most Often Paired With:** (bonus points to whoever shouts the answer out first!) Adam, Charlie, Portman, Fulton, Guy. But Friendly Sue has been paired with most other Ducks as well, minus Connie and Julie, unless the author decides to slash her.  
**Most Likely Hockey Position:** Friendly Sue probably doesn't play hockey. If she does, she can be any position, depending on the author.  
**Typical Past:** Friendly Sue's past is not terribly angsty and not terribly happy. It's much like anyone else's. It has its ups and downs. Sometimes it tilts either side of the angsty or happy scale, but it's not extreme in either direction.  
**Shag-ability:** Friendly Sue is shaggable, just like most teenage girls, but doesn't put out on the first date. If she's in a relationship, she can eventually be shagged. She sometimes gets drunk and ends up in bed, though.  
**Death:** Friendly Sue is not often killed by her author, nor does she always deserve to be, but she is a Sue, and of course, if she does die, it's in a horrible and terrible way.  
**Most Like:** Friendly Sue is a bit like everyone. She's unique in that way.

In case you hadn't noticed, Connie and Julie are only paired with a Sue if the Sue and Connie/Julie are slashed. From now on though, we're going to assume that Mary Sue is straight because the girls are most often portrayed as straight. It's the guys (read: Adam/Charlie/Fulton/Portman) who are most often slashed. Rarely do you see a slashed Sue, but we will cover Lesbian Sue in another lesson.

So, now you have been introduced to the five most common Sues in the fandom. That ends this lesson, because that's all anyone can handle at once. It's sickening. Take a break, get some sleep, this sort of thing weakens the immune system. We don't want you all getting sick over this. I'm Kenny Wu, and when you look for me on the ice, I'm number sixteen. Next lesson comes soon. Quack quack quack!


	3. Lesson 02

_Mary Sues 101  
Lesson 2: Looks and Appearance – according to Guy_

* * *

So, now that you've had some time to absorb Kenny's lesson, are you ready for lesson two? Well, ready or not, here it comes. I'm Guy Germaine, and I'll be teaching this second lesson of Mary Sues 101.

Now, before we start, I'd like to say this: I love Connie Moreau. I don't love Sues. Yes, Sues are often beautiful and there's nothing wrong with that, but for God's sake, anybody looking for any type of meaningful relationship built on pure lust is an idiot! Your relationship will fail! Beauty is only skin deep! Connie is beautiful too, and we have a history together! I love Connie more than life itself! Please don't break us up to pair me with a Sue! Do you really think that just because some pretty girl happened to wink at me I'll dump Connie and go running to get into that other girl's pants? Give me a break, please!

Okay, now that I'm finished sounding a lot like my mother, let's begin.

**Face:  
**What's the first thing you notice when you look at someone? Their face, of course…unless you happen to be Luis, who looks down instead of up, and then you notice other things…but I digress. Anyway, you see someone's face. Most Mary Sues, of any type and fandom for that matter, have a beautiful face. It is always round or oval shaped, with a perfectly small, cute button nose, a small chin, petite ears, beautiful eyes (which we'll get to later), luscious red or pink lips, and cheeks "that glow." I don't know about you, but if my cheeks ever "glow" I will be at the hospital because, most likely, I've been exposed to radiation.

Mary Sue also possesses a perfectly white smile that can "light up a room." Yes, that's right. Lamps and electricity are no longer needed once a Sue enters a room. All she has to do is smile and viola! Light! Besides the sun, Mary Sue's smile is the only other constant source of energy in the solar system. It's a shame Thomas Edison wasted all that time and genius working on the light bulb.

**Skin:**  
Skin is a tricky thing, especially for the average teenager. Greasy, oily, dry, pimples…teenagers hate their faces, and lots of times, with good reason. But not Mary Sue! Mary Sue never has acne, or cold sores, or large pores. Mary Sue's skin is like a porcelain doll's, without flaws. Girls, you know those pimples you get the week before your period? Well, Mary Sue doesn't get those, no matter what time of the month it is! Guys, you know that hormone called testosterone that gives you zits? Doesn't it piss you off that Mary Sue never gets anything from her feminine hormones? Her skin is perfect, the envy of girls and guys alike. Don't you all just want to kill her?

Mary Sue's skin is also perfectly colored. It is always porcelain, or tan, or something of that nature. It is never freckled or pale or sunburned. It may be pale if she gets sick though…so let's all hope for a long illness for Mary Sue!

I will say this, though: Naughty Sue and Angsty Sue may have a scar on their face somewhere, from playing hockey, or doing something dangerous. It may be from one of her random beatings, but one of the Bash Brothers will be covering that. Any flaw on a Sue's skin will be gorgeous anyway. You know, it'll be lightning shaped, making her gray eyes look even more like a thunderstorm…or something stupid like that.

**Eyes:  
**Normally, anybody else's eyes would be mentioned along with their face, but Mary Sue's eyes are different. Mary Sue's eyes are special. Mary Sue's eyes are divine! They are always big and sparkly and they shine when she cries. Mary Sue's eyes are always wide and round or like horizontal almonds. They are always big and most likely, innocent; never are they small and beady. Of course, there's more to Mary Sue's eyes than shine and shape! There's also color!

Charlie (sort of) mentioned in the introduction that Mary Sue's eyes come in many colors. Vibrant, beautiful colors, such as emerald green, ocean blue, jet black, crap brown, sapphire blue, chocolate brown, and amethyst… that's right, amethyst, as in purple. Yes, I know purple eyes are very rare. Of all the people I've ever seen only Elizabeth Taylor has them, but it is not uncommon for Mary Sue to be purple eyed. Mary Sue's eyes are always an exotic, brilliant color, too. They're never dull or plain. No Mary Sue ever has just gray eyes, she has gray eyes the color of thunderclouds, making it look like there's always a storm in them! Hazel eyes? Unheard of! Mary Sue's eyes are the pine green of a rich, spruce forest with specs of brown like squirrels in the trees!

I think you get the picture.

Another interesting fact about Mary Sue's eyes: they sometimes change color within the same story! Sometimes they're chocolate brown, sometimes they're cinnamon brown. Sometimes they're ice blue, and other times they're sapphire blue. Normal people's eyes don't do that. Every time I look into Connie's eyes, they're the same color: dark brown. The only explanation for this metamorphosis I can come up with is that Mary Sue is part chameleon, changing eye colors to blend in with her background.

Also, beware of looking into Mary Sue's eyes. Many times, Mary Sue's love interest "falls into her eyes" and is swept away. Hello, wake up! First of all, if you feel like you are "falling" into somebody's eyes, seek a doctor, as that could be considered an indication of a medical problem. Second, who "falls" into somebody's eyes, anyway? I look into Connie's eyes, but I've never fallen into them. You know, I think if I tried to fall into Connie's eyes, I'd give her a black eye. Or mess up her eye makeup. Or I'd put out her eyes and blind her. In any case, Connie would not be pleased. So please, don't go falling into somebody's eyes. It won't be pretty.

**Hair:  
**Ah, hair. Another thing teenagers hate about themselves. No teenager likes their hair. Every teenage girl I've ever met wants someone else's hair. Guess whose hair everyone wants? Mary Sue's, of course! And who wouldn't be jealous of her hair? Mary Sue's hair is always perfect, shiny, and she never suffers from frizz in humidity! It's a teenage girl's dream come true!

In most cases, Mary Sue's hair is perfectly straight, but from time to time you'll see a Sue with waves or curls…you know, hair that has some kind of body and doesn't just cling to a head. Mary Sue's hair comes in multiple varieties, and each type of Sue generally has a type of hair specific to them.

Perfect Sue's hair is usually a golden blond, or strawberry blond, or shimmering blond…you get the point.

Angsty Sue generally has very dark (but oh so shiny!) hair. Occasionally Angsty Sue has red hair, but not often.

Loving Sue can be blond or brunette, and sometimes redheaded, but not often.

Naughty Sue generally has "fiery red hair that matches her personality" or very dark hair that matches her tormented, angsty life. Naughty Sue is also the most likely Sue to dye her hair some radical color to "rebel" against her parents.

Friendly Sue's hair can be of any color, because you know, she's trying not to be a Sue, so who knows. She's random, but she is usually brown haired, or blond haired.

Also, as with eyes, please note that Mary Sue's hair is never a dull or light brown. It is deep, deep, chestnut brown. It is never a dirty blond color, but shimmering, shiny, blond hair.

Yes girls, we all want to know what hair care products Mary Sue uses, but the sad thing for the rest of us is that she doesn't. Whenever anyone (usually Connie or Julie) asks how Mary Sue keeps her hair so wonderfully straight, shiny, and soft, Mary Sue just says "it's natural."

Yes, it's okay, claw her eyes out. We understand.

So let's move on, shall we?

**Body:  
**There is a quote that sums up this section perfectly:

"Look at that butt! Look at that chest! Not to mention the rest! Even **I **am impressed!"-Miles Gloriosus, from the Broadway musical _A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum_ by Stephen Sondheim.

Yes, we've reached Luis's favorite part of my lesson! Bodies of Sues!

Mary Sue's body is something that would have been worshiped by the Greeks and Romans for its perfection of the female form. It's got curves and is thin in all the right places.

Mary Sue has two types of breasts: big and bigger. All Sues are at least a B-cup, and no Mary Sue is ever a member of the Itty-Bitty-Titty-Committee (otherwise known as the IBTC, and thank you Julie, for that sparkling acronym).

While her breasts are large, Mary Sue's waist is tiny. She'd be the envy of Scarlett O'Hara from _Gone With the Wind. _Her stomach is flat, without Mary Sue having to do any type of crunches at all! Good thing too. It is possible that exercise might mess up her perfect hair, but I doubt it. Her hips complete the hour glass while long, slender, legs walk gracefully across the floor. If you're lucky enough to be walking behind Mary Sue, you will also notice a butt that is oh so sexy, and moves provocatively with Mary Sue's every step!

And wouldn't you know that Mary Sue can eat _anything she wants_ and still remain this way without diet and exercise? Wouldn't you love that? Doesn't the fact Mary Sue has that feature test your gag reflex?

Since I really don't want to get anyone anymore upset, let's move on to the last part of the lesson.

**Clothes:  
**There are two things to know about Sues clothing before we get more detailed:

1. Mary Sue looks stunning in everything she wears, weather it's a Versace gown or a potato sack.

2. Mary Sue's clothing sets trends. The afternoon after she walks down the hallway in that potato sack, all the girls will run out to steal one from near-by farms.

That being said…Mary Sues have a number of different styles, according to their personalities. I think we should cover this one Sue at a time, as to keep it more organized. Ready or not, here we go.

**Perfect Sue:  
**Perfect Sue is likely to be clad in designer names and brands. Tommy Hilfiger, Ralph Lauren, etc… Stores she's likely to shop in include H&M, American Eagle, Aeropostale, Abercrombie & Fitch, you know the drill. So if you're the type who shops at these particular stores, scan the store carefully before you go in, otherwise you may see Perfect Sue, exchanging her size 2 pants for a size 00, and you'll feel ugly and fat for the rest of the week. On her feet she wears the trendiest sneakers, sandals, boots, and shoes.

**Angsty Sue:  
**Angsty Sue's is casual unless she has to be formal, and usually dresses in dark colors, not always black, but navy blue and orange too. Dark purple and red also weed their way into Angsty Sue's wardrobe. Shoes are sneakers, and black boots.

**Loving Sue:  
**Look for Loving Sue to be wearing something preppy; a skirt and sweater, or something of that nature. She looks a lot like Perfect Sue, except a little less extreme. If you have trouble differentiating between the two, most likely, Loving Sue will be cooing incessantly over her boyfriend. Anyway, Loving Sue also wears jeans and such, and on her feet can be sneakers, boots, sandals, and other shoes.

**Naughty Sue:  
**Naughty Sue, of course, looks like Angsty Sue, except there is no color in her wardrobe. There is just black, white, and gray. Occasionally, you may see red, but probably not. Baggy pants and big, clunky, crushing black boots clad Naughty Sue's lower portions. She often has a leather jacket and maybe some jewelry with scary spiky things on it, or maybe a skull with crossbones…you know something normal people look at and go, "What the hell!?" Sometimes Naughty Sue gives off the impression of being "goth" if she wears lots of black makeup.

**Friendly Sue:  
**Friendly Sue can be dressed in anything. Chances are good her clothing will be ordinary, as not to stand out, because Friendly Sue is usually average. Though every so often you will see Friendly Sue wear something that makes you think "that's gorgeous" or "that's hideous" most of the time, she looks just like you or me…well, if I dress up in girls clothes, she looks like me…but I don't…except for that one time…never mind.

Well, that about wraps up this lesson. Remember, before you enter that store, watch for Mary Sue. She may just be after you. Mary Sue may be nice to look at, but the best girls in the world have great personalities. I love ya, Connie.

Dwayne will be teaching the next lesson on Sue names. Rest up, kiddies, it's not getting any easier. I'm out, and good luck.

_#00 – Guy Germaine_


	4. Lesson 03

_Mary Sues 101  
Lesson 3: Names – according to Dwayne_

* * *

Hey y'all, my name's Dwayne, and I'll be your guide through this here lesson of Mary Sues 101. This lesson is all 'bout names. This brings up the question, what's in a name? Well, in the real world, a name only means so much. I know it better than anyone. I mean, my name's Dwayne for cryin' out loud! But in the world of fan fiction, a name tells a lot 'bout a character, especially Mary Sue.

Now, you know full well 'bout the five types of Sues: Perfect, Angsty, Loving, Naughty, and Friendly…and if you don't by now, well, you're dumber than the average houseplant.

Well, I reckon each Mary Sue has certain names that go with their personalities and stereotypes. It's interesting the way that's happened. Let's go one Sue at a time, shall we?

**Perfect Sue:  
**She's prettier than sunlight shining on morning dew of the honeysuckle. Gosh darn, that's beautiful. She's smart. She's funny. She's everything. Her name is usually something like Mandy. Very feminine, yet very tough when said in the right context. "Mandy threw 6 foot 1, 220 pound Rick Riley into the boards with amazing force, in spite of the fact she's only slightly bigger than an Oompa Loompa…"

**Angsty Sue:  
**Angsty Sue is angsty. This has already been established in previous lessons. Her real name can be simple, such as Joanie or somethin' like that. She will often be referred to with a semi-nickname, like 'the Ice Queen' because it's in Angsty Sue's nature to not be very charmin'. But she doesn't have anything that could really be called a nickname.

**Loving Sue:  
**Loving Sue's real name is pretty normal. Lauren or Annie or somethin' like that. But where readers really get nauseous is the names Loving Sue is called by her boyfriend. It's pretty darn gross. She and her boyfriends will "honey bunch" and "snuggle puss" and "huggly buggly wuggly bear" each other to death, drivin' the reader to the point of re-enacting the more violent scenes from the movie _The Texas Chainsaw Massacre._

**Naughty Sue:  
**Oh, boy. Naughty Sue's name can go in two directions. One direction the author can take is a bi-gender name, like Jordan or Jaime, symbolizin' Mary Sue's naughtiness and male-like toughness. The other direction they take is givin' Naughty Sue a really wimpy girls name, like Daisy or Tiffany. This really wimpy name is usually accompanied by a really tough, bad-ass nickname like "Nails." Oooh, Mary Sue's a badass! You can roll your eyes here, if you want. From time to time, a Naughty Sue with a bi-gender name also has a tough nickname, but not often.

**Friendly Sue:  
**Authors usually try to give Friendly Sue a normal name, such as Lara or Melissa, in an effort to keep their character from being a Sue. Friendly Sue's names aren't usually too bad. Sometimes the name is a shorter name associated with the longer name. For example, Elizabeth is usually shortened to Liz or Beth. This is the type of nickname that doesn't make readers fit to be tied, because it's a normal nick name, and not some wanna-be tough name Naughty Sue gets, such as "Bitch with Balls of Steel."

There are other things you should probably be aware of when dealin' with Mary Sue names. If you see the author's name is Jennie and you see that their original character's name is also Jennie, you should watch your step. Chances are good the original character is just the author putting themselves into the story and exaggeratin' their good traits. This is a red flag that the author is in, or is dangerously close to, Mary Sue territory. Proceed with caution if you feel the need to continue readin'.

Also, be on the watch for names that aren't names. A good example of this is names that five names stuck together. Marymargaretallisonalexandralaura is not a name. Do not be fooled! I was fooled once…ok, more than once, people tend to write me as a moron in stories. I'm not a moron. I'd learn my mistake after makin' it once. But do people realize that? No, never. The accent doesn't mean I'm an idiot…uh, sorry, got a little carried away. Anyway, I was fooled a couple times. It wasn't pretty.

Look out for names that aren't typical or don't fit. Lashawna may be a perfectly logical name for an inner-city girl from South Central Los Angeles, where my good buddy Russ happens to be from, but it doesn't make much sense for a girl who's spent her entire life in suburban Minneapolis. Also, if the author says Shaquanna's unique name matches her unique personality, that's a clue that most likely, the original character is a Mary Sue.

Well, that 'bout does it for me. I'm Dwayne. If y'all are lookin' for me during a game, look for the guy with the lasso. That's me. Russ is up next with basic Sue plots. He's a great explainer. He's helped me out quite a few times. Anyway, y'all have a nice day!


	5. Lesson 04

_Mary Sues 101  
Lesson 4: Basic Plots – according to Russ_

* * *

Hey everybody. I'm Russ Tyler. Welcome to my lesson on Mary Sue plots. I'll keep this as short an' sweet as possible, but it's a rough ride. Buckle up, here we go.

**Basic Storyline: **"I'm _insert Duck's name here_'s twin sister, we were separated at birth…"  
A new chick joins the group on the claim that they're so-and-so's long lost twin sister, they were wretched apart from inside the womb by their parents and have been tearfully reunited after a deathbed confession by their father reveals a hidden secret…or some bullshit like that. The poor Duck who has acquired a new member of the family instantly becomes best friends with their new (super attractive) sister. And then the new sister instantly falls in love with said-Duck's best friend.  
Sometimes in this story, the twin sister isn't even long lost, she just shows up at Eden Hall or somewhere in the middle of the Goodwill Games, and maybe earlier than that. This is even more annoying than usual, because whose sister just appears out of nowhere like that? Occasionally, it's a younger sibling featured in this story, following in their older brother's or sister's footsteps while trying to escape their shadow. This is more plausible, because younger siblings don't just appear from thin air.**  
Genre: **Romance / Humor (occasionally)**  
Sue Sighting: **Perfect Sue, Loving Sue, Friendly Sue**  
Russ's Rant: **this story is cliché and overused, and so to write a really good story, the author would have to find a really creative way to successfully build the relationships of the characters. I don't care if you're so-and-so's twin or so-and-so's long lost aunt's brother's dog's owner's neighbor's second cousin twice removed. Nobody becomes best friends or falls in love with another person the instant they set eyes on them. Oh, and do us a favor, if you're gonna be anybody's long lost anything, make it believable, will ya? For heaven's sake, this is the 21st century United States. We have medical records now, blood tests and stuff. How many people do you know are missing twin siblings because the hospital was incompetent?**  
**

**  
Basic Storyline:** "She's the new girl at Eden Hall, but with a dark secret. Can she be saved before it's too late?"  
Mary Sue shows up at Eden Hall, tormented and angsty, but being very secretive and brave about it. She takes out her inner pain on her body by, most likely, cutting herself. Unfortunately she only cuts across for attention, never down for death, though readers are often tempted to cut in the downward direction. Mary Sue's painful secret is usually the tragic death of a friend or family member that Sue blames herself for; or maybe she was raped. It doesn't really matter what the secret it is, the result is the same: a lame story like the one I'm describing. Eventually a Duck will come to Mary Sue's rescue, when he accidentally notices her scars. Our hero will then dive into the clogged toilet of Mary Sue's soul and free her with the golden plunger of love. Sometimes it's a plunger of friendship, but usually it's love.**  
Genre: **Romance / Drama**  
Sue Sighting: **Angsty Sue, Naughty Sue**  
Russ's Rant: **OMG GASP! A DARK SECRET! NEXT ON LIFETIME! … Oh please. This story has been done so badly so many times it isn't even funny anymore. Just don't write it. Really. No, I'm not kidding. Don't do it at all.

**  
Basic Storyline: **"The Ducks get a new teammate and they're off to compete at the Olympics…"  
The Ducks are off to play at the Olympics…or World Championships…or the Goodwill Games version 2.0 if the author is rewriting canon. The one condition? Mary Sue joins the team. In this story, Mary Sue is a kick ass hockey player who has no desire to play with the Ducks. To emphasize this point, the author has Mary Sue bitch and moan about it for at least three chapters to anyone who will listen. Thrown in there are some badly written "hockey action" scenes, which seem less like ice hockey and more like the Icecapades on crack. Sometimes all this "drama" takes place at Eden Hall, where Mary Sue complains about having to leave her whole life in Anywhere, USA to come to Minnesota. Naturally, Mary Sue begins to change her tune when she sets her sights on somebody attractive. Occasionally, while the Ducks are competing, Mary Sue is reacquainted with someone she knows from way-back-when in Anywhere, or even from some prior world championship Mary Sue was involved in. Sometimes Mary Sue will fall in love with him, but the Ducks are made to look really bad, and get all upset because "OMG HE'S TEH ENEMY!!"**  
Genre: **Romance / Humor or Drama, depending on the author**  
Sue Sighting: **Angsty Sue, Naughty Sue, Friendly Sue (occasionally)**  
Russ's Rant: **and here we are again, looking at another cliché story in which Mary Sue is dumped on the Ducks, who have no way to escape. Mary Sue's acquaintance will vary between someone seen previously in canon…the guy from the Iceland team, one of the Hawks…and another character that the author made up. I wish Mary Sue would get intimately acquainted with a chainsaw, but sadly, that never seems to happen. In spite of the fact this story has been done too many times, it can be written with success if the author is careful with their original character and the development of the romance.

**  
Basic Storyline: **"I love her!" … "You don't love her, _I_ love her!" … "I'll fight you for her!"  
This one is pretty self-explanatory. It's the classic love triangle, with two of the Ducky finest fighting over Mary Sue. Every so often it's a Duck and a member of the Varsity team.  
Mary Sue is often horribly torn between her two suitors, because they're both just so wonderful. And they're fighting over her, because she's just so wonderful. And at around this point in Mary Sue wonderland, I begin to get nauseous, so moving on…**  
Genre: **Romance / Drama or Humor, depending on the author**  
Sue Sighting: **Perfect Sue, Loving Sue, Friendly Sue**  
Russ's Rant: **It's Duck pitted against Duck in an all out fight to the death over Mary Sue! Of course, sometimes it's a Varsity player, but that doesn't matter! There's violence and bloodshed all for the heart of a fair maiden! Make sure not to splash any body fluid on said fair maiden's designer shoes, though, fellas. Right. Unless it has something to make it interesting, like really humorous writing or an unforeseen twist, this story is completely boring. There is nothing less interesting than a love triangle with Mary Sue saying, "Oh, I just don't know who to choose!" and two guys saying, "Pick me, Mary Sue, pick me! He's garbage! I will make all your dreams come true!" Those poor, emasculated saps. You can do it successfully if you've got an idea, but it'd better be damn good.

So, did everybody enjoy the ride? Bumpy and dangerous, huh? I told you!

Well, that covers the major plots you see in many Mary Sue stories. Nearly all these stories are romance stories in some way, shape or form. It's very rare that you'll find one that isn't. Of course, we can't cover every single one there is, but most of the other plots you'll see that involve Mary Sue are variations on these. Sometimes it's not a sister that shows up out of nowhere, but a best friend from back in the day, who is playing for Eden Hall's main rival…whoever the author decides Eden Hall's main rival is. Occasionally, one of the Ducks is hiding a dark secret and it is Mary Sue who saves them with a plunger. That is not typically the case though.

Well, that about does it for my lesson. For more Sue plots and connections, feel free to do your own research…just remember to arm yourself with lots of Advil before you set off into the darkest corners of the Mary Sue jungles. Fulton's up next with the "History, Background, and Home Life" of Mary Sue. Until next time, I'm Russ Tyler.

Peace out, homeslices.


	6. Lesson 05

_Mary Sues 101  
Lesson 5: History, Background, Home Life – according to Fulton_

* * *

I guess I should start this lesson by introducing myself? Okay, well, I'm Fulton. I'm a Bash Brother, though according to Julie I'm "not the cute one." Now obviously this is an outrageous lie on Julie's part, but Julie and Portman dig each other so I'm letting it slide.

So, technically my lesson is "History, Background, and Home Life" which really means, "Family, etc…" in my mind, so I'm going to teach this lesson my way, and too bad for Charlie, who "took great care planning and naming and assigning lessons so don't screw it up, Fulton, I'm warning you!"

Ha! He's warning me! What's he going to do? Whine at me? He's one of my best friends, but he's such a paranoid control freak sometimes. No wonder Banksie is always begging to switch dorm rooms.

Oh, right, the lesson. Let's get started.

**Mary Sue's Parents Most Likely Are:**

Missing Entirely – when Mary Sue's parents are missing from the story, they're most likely dead. You get this a lot with Angsty Sue and Naughty Sue, as the parents' death creates lots of angst and reason for badass behavior. And, of course, it's a terribly tragic death. They died in a car crash, or a ski lift accident, or were on a lovely trip to Yosemite National Park and were eaten in their tent by a grizzly bear that snuck up on them while they slept. Occasionally you'll get that lame story where one parent has cancer and dies, and then the other dies of a broken heart. This is supposed to make us say, "Awwww, that's so tragically sweet. Poor Mary Sue!" but it really makes us say, "Bleeeeeeh. I think George Lucas did this in _Revenge of the Sith_." Let me tell you, I saw that movie. That really bad writing didn't work for George Lucas, and it doesn't work for Mary Sue.

Divorced – this pops up occasionally, though not often. Parents are often normal but their separation/divorce process has torn Mary Sue's beautiful soul into two pieces! She loves her mom and her dad, but they fight over her and put her in the middle, but she doesn't want to choose one over the other! Oh the trauma! Let's all feel bad for Mary Sue. Really, don't you? No? Me either.

Abusive – well, this speaks for itself. Mary Sue's parents are abusive, either verbally, physically, or sexually. Not often sexually, but it comes up in some higher rated stories. It's just more angst for Mary Sue to have chapter after chapter after chapter. Most likely, because the author has no clue about any type of abuse, the abuse scenes make for some really bad reading. Mom and Dad seem really stupid, Mary Sue seems really whiny, and all of them become really annoying after chapter three.

Perfectionists – this is when Mary Sue's parents put loads and loads of pressure on her to be perfect in everything she does…hmmm …Adam should be teaching this lesson. You see it happen to Banks a lot. Anyway, the pressure Mary Sue is under from her parents makes for chapters and chapters of whining. Readers typically put a fist through their computer monitor somewhere between chapters five and seven.

Rarely does Mary Sue have a normal parental situation, with married parents and fights about allowance, boyfriends, and curfew. Mary Sue fights with her parents about bigger things, such as alcoholism, beatings, and why they won't allow her to run off on African safaris where she could be eaten by lion packs. Naturally, they cite her studies – and not the fact that she could be eaten – as why she can't go to Africa. I wish they'd let her go. Maybe she'll catch Ebola or something.

**Other Family:**

Siblings – Mary Sue's siblings are either her best friends or evil little spies for her parents/other relatives. They're sort of like the Wicked Witch of the West's flying monkeys...except if you watch the movie enough times, you actually learn to like the monkeys. Mary Sue's siblings are almost as annoying as Mary Sue…but not quite.

Aunts, Uncles, Cousins – Mary Sue's extended family often show up when Mary Sue's immediate family is dead. They're usually one of two extremes. Either Mary Sue despises them because they're horrible to Mary Sue and treat her like the evil stepmother treated Cinderella, or Mary Sues despises them because they're wonderful people who treat her like a princess. It doesn't matter how nice they are because they "treat her like she's made of glass" or something stupid like that. The extended family can be fairly complicated because there are so many different potential roles they can take on. Sometimes the aunt is kind and the uncle is nasty, sometimes the adults are fine and the kids are terrible. Usually the nice person has completely had the wool pulled the over their eyes about the nasty person and thinks the nasty person is actually a wonderful person. To create lots of unwanted angst in the story, the blind-to-reality nice person will not believe Mary Sue when she tells her of the nasty person's true nature. Aunt Sally just won't believe that her darling son Warren picks on Mary Sue…or that he is the reincarnation of Jack the Ripper, even if Mary Sue has incriminating photos.

Grandparents – they often show up when Mary Sue's parents are dead but sometimes even when Mary Sue's parents are alive. Sometimes they're written as "evil" grandparents that don't do any of the normal things like spoil their granddaughter rotten, but usually they're written as very close friends to Mary Sue. They usually take on a role much like the role Hans played in Charlie's life…and they often die the same way, leaving Mary Sue devastated and angsty. It's more plausible than most other cases of death because grandparents are older people, but their deaths are usually is accompanied by lots of drawn out emotional crap. Everyone gets tired of it after seven or eight chapters of Mary Sue's continuous sobbing and her big, round, shiny eyes.

Well, that about covers everything I can think of right now. Connie is up next with Mary Sue's friends, so get ready for that. Her lesson will probably be better than mine as I didn't really prepare well for this. I made a lot of it up on the fly. I'm a little bit of a slacker when it comes to doing homework and making presentations for classes. Don't tell Charlie though. If he asks, tell him I was excellent. And if he's still got any complaints, remind him that I can make his locker his new home for the weekend…again.

– Fulton

(aka the cute Bash Brother…no matter what Julie says)


	7. Lesson 06

_Mary Sues 101  
Lesson 6: Friends - according to Connie_

* * *

Hi everyone! Welcome to Lesson 6 of Mary Sues 101! I get to instruct this chapter, and my name is Connie Moreau. I was mentioned in Lesson 2, by my wonderful boyfriend, Guy Germaine. Yes, I love him as much as he loves me, no matter how many times Mary Sue or Gary Stu try to break us up. We are very happy together! So please, try to respect that, okay? It's not that you can't break us up, but please don't pair us with one of them…please. See how nicely I'm asking? Pair Mary Sue with Kenny, did you see how desperate he was? Or Goldberg. Or Averman. Or Russ. They'd tease Guy and me a lot less if they got paired with a Mary Sue. I bet they'd talk a lot less about getting action of they ever actually got any!

Ooops. Did I just say that out loud? They're going to kill me. I'd better hide. But perhaps we'd best finish my lesson first, huh? My lesson is on Mary Sue's friends. Let's get this show on the road.

Mary Sue's Buddies:

**Connie:  
**Sadly, yes, I am frequently one of Mary Sue's best friends. Naturally, I cannot resist Mary Sue's many charms, and so I instantly become her best friend, ignoring any social circle I'd ever had and shunning my long time mates in favor of Mary Sue. I am usually giggly and stupid when around Mary Sue, two of my worse character traits. But who can help being giggly and stupid around Mary Sue? She's just so pretty and wonderful! I gravitate to her; I'm sucked into her world and can't escape! You know, the same way black holes suck in all light and crush all hope.

**Julie:  
**Julie is often in the same predicament as me, though Julie is often given the gift of a brain by the author, just because the Dean let it slip during the Varsity/JV game that Julie got A's. Sure, Julie gets better grades than me, but my grades aren't half bad! The only subject I'm not very good at is math, but math is hard, and I went to a public grammar school! Julie went to a private school, she has an edge! Not that I'm on a tangent or anything. The point is that Julie is often Mary Sue's friend too. Julie and I have been very good friends for a long time, and Mary Sue sometimes tries to come between us in stories. I would never dump Julie for Mary Sue, and I know she would never dump me, but Mary Sue doesn't seem to get it. She just jumps in there with her sparkling personality and make Julie and me hate each other. Not that she ever means to, oh no, only regular girls try to ruin friendships between other girls. Mary Sue just wants to be friends with everyone. She can't help it that other girls are incredibly jealous of her.

**The Guys:  
**By the guys, I mean the Ducks who aren't me and Julie. There are always girls that are "one of the guys" but Mary Sue takes this to a whole new level. Not only does she fit in instantly, her many talents make her a valuable asset to have on your side! Playing pranks with Goldberg and Averman? She's a champ. Drinking and playing loud music with the Bashes? A pro. Performing double axels and triple toe jumps with Kenny? Mary Sue makes it look easy. Angsty self-torment with Banks? Mary Sue wrote the book on angsty self-torment! Whining with Charlie? She's – well, wait. Not that Mary Sue ever whines, but Charlie takes whining to a whole different level sometimes. Even Mary Sue would have trouble matching Charlie whine for whine. Either way, Mary Sue instantly fits in with everyone. Never does she make a social faux-pas, but she always knows exactly what to do to make other people like her.

**The Varsity/The Eden Hall Cheerleaders/The Snobs:  
**Mary Sue is rarely friends with the varsity team, they're much more likely to have gang-raped her in the past, making her tormented and angsty and endearing her to…well, nobody. Rick Riley is a prick, no doubt, but I don't think he has it in him to gang rape somebody. Cole Southerland, maybe. But Riley? No. Anyway, Mary Sue is more likely to be friends with the Ducks in stories, but occasionally she is buddies with the snob crowd. This usually means she hates the Ducks with a passion (say it isn't so!), until something happens where she's trying to bring peace between the two groups. Mary Sue is indeed the reincarnation of Mother Theresa. Or, more likely, she will be forced to talk to the Ducks, realize they are quite all right and one of them is quite cute, fall madly in love with him, and become friends with the Ducks for that reason. It's kind of like Scooter and Julie but the horror story version. Rarely does Mary Sue ever remain completely part of the Varsity crowd. Yes, unfortunately, she always becomes our problem.

**Others:**  
Mary Sue will occasionally have other friends. These friends are the author's way of trying to keep Mary Sue from being Mary Sue, but since she inevitably is, these friends usually disappear from the story by chapter five. This is a blessing for them and a curse for us, because it means more Mary Sue turning the rest of the characters into her minions.

There you have it. I've covered, basically, Mary Sue's friends. Sure there are more here and there, and variations do occur, but for the most part, these are the friends that most often show up. And by friends, I mean more poor, half witted slaves. Well, as I have accomplished my lesson, I am free to go do as I please…which, right now, is basically hide from Goldberg, Averman, and Russ for a while. Everyone else can take a breather. Charlie is coming up next with his lesson on Mary Sue's enemies. Have a nice day, I'm Connie, it has been a pleasure. Now just hope that Goldberg, Averman, and Russ aren't waiting for me outside the door.


	8. Lesson 07

_Mary Sues 101  
Lesson 7: Enemies – according to Charlie_

* * *

Hey everyone. I'm Charlie, but you already know that, because you met me in the introduction. I don't know how you could forget me. I'm handsome and charming and I do not whine…much.

Anyway, my lesson is that of Mary Sue's enemies. Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but in spite of all Mary Sue's loveliness, she does have enemies.

"HOW CAN THIS BE!?" you ask.

Well, here's how: anybody who enjoys halfway decent stories hates her. But here's a whole list of Mary Sue's enemies in the Duck fandom. Be sure to take notes.

**Reality:  
**Reality is one of Mary Sue's biggest enemies, especially that of Perfect Sue, Angsty Sue, and Naughty Sue. In Perfect Sue's case, nobody is that perfect. Nobody can sing, dance, act, play the harmonica, do yoga, play volleyball, finish their homework, work at the animal shelter, and ace their math exam…especially not all in one day. Perfect Sue tends to ignore physical and mental human limits. Rarely is anybody _that_ talented. Angsty Sue, on the other hand, forgets that it's just not that bad. Life just does not suck that much. If the rest of us can get through it, so can you. Suck it up. And with Naughty Sue, she fails to remember that anybody caught drunk on school property is automatically suspended, not let off by sweet talking the dean. In reality, that just doesn't happen.

**Canon:  
**Canon is another big enemy of Mary Sue, especially whichever Mary Sue happens to be that pesky new girl who joins the team in the middle of the Goodwill Games. No new girl joined the team in the middle of the Goodwill Games…unless that girl happened to be a big black male named Russ Tyler. Other than that, no new girl joined the team in the middle of the Goodwill Games. And in case you're really thick let me repeat for the third time that NO NEW GIRL JOINED THE TEAM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GOODWILL GAMES. Rewriting canon is one of the worst routes Mary Sue can take. Sometimes these stories are labeled as "AU" or "Alternate Universe." Here's a word of warning: if it's an AU story with a new girl joining the team in the middle of the Goodwill Games, or even before then, chances are good the character is a Mary Sue. If looking for a good AU story, look for a story that is Duck-centric. That is, it focuses on the Ducks, not the new girl who joined the team in the middle of the Goodwill Games. Because, as I said, NO NEW GIRL JOINED THE TEAM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GOODWILL GAMES.

**Goldberg:  
**Mary Sue has no problem talking to Goldberg and getting along with him, but Heaven forbid that she fall in love with Goldberg. I've seen it, maybe…actually I've never seen it. Why is that? It couldn't be because Goldberg is husky and occasionally farts, could it? No, of course not, because Mary Sue couldn't ever be that shallow! Surely she sees Goldberg's beautiful soul! Right. But you know what? Goldberg gets a bad wrap anyway. It was _me_ who farted in Bombay's limo. OKAY!? IT WAS ME! I expect Goldberg to get more love from now on.

**Unattractiveness:  
**Ummm…have you been paying attention? This one is rather obvious. Mary Sue is never unattractive.

**You and Me:  
**Hahahaha! Like that song by Lifehouse! No, I'm kidding. But we are actually some of Mary Sue's worst enemies. We mock her, we lock her in cages, we hit her with sticks. And yes, it is us who can do the most damage to Mary Sue, just by watching for her and taking the appropriate action when she's spotted.

Well, that covers Mary Sue's major enemies. Next lesson is seduction which is being covered by, wait, let me check the list…oh. Luis. I should have known. Anyway, it's been fun everyone. Once again, my name is Charlie, and I'll see you at the end of the course.


	9. Lesson 08

_Mary Sues 101  
Lesson 8: Seduction_ – _according to Luis_

* * *

Hi everyone! Welcome to Lesson 8 of Mary Sues 101! I'm Luis and I'm teaching this lesson. And first, I would like to make clear that I am not the horn-dog everyone makes me out to be. Not completely. Only a little. Kind of. Okay, a lot. But I didn't choose to teach this lesson, Charlie assigned it to me. No, really, I mean it.

Anyway, we're here to cover Mary Sue's seduction techniques. Fabulous, no?

So let's get down to this thing!

**First, what is seduction?**  
Well, seduction is generally the way one person gets another into bed (possibly against the better judgment of one or both parties). No, that's not the dictionary definition, but you get the idea. It's not too hard to grasp, really. If you still don't completely understand, perhaps you should relocate to a health class, or a phys. ed. class, or even an English literature class.

**  
What types of seduction do we see in Mary Sue stories?  
**We don't see types of seduction as much as we see particular story points and plot twists that come up over and over again when Mary Sue and Duck victim become attracted to each other. Most authors in fandom are not talented enough writers to do a real nuanced seduction or a story with real sexual tension, and what we see are the same plots used over and over again. It isn't that these aren't effective in stories, but to see them repeatedly or to see them in Mary Sue stories where there is no nuance and they are completely overblown, that's when they become a problem.

**  
So what are these story points and plot twists?  
**Glad you asked! Here they are…

**  
And then suddenly, something changes! Those bulging hockey muscles, the blood dripping from his nose after that puck to the face…  
**They're best mates or they don't get along, and then all of a sudden, they see each other differently (think _Beauty and the Beast_ but with a worse story and no singing, dancing candelabra). He's so handsome! She's so pretty! She'd like to gaze into his deep eyes! He'd like to…  
Yeah, you get the idea. The Bash Brothers are victimized by this plot line a lot, though it also happens with Charlie, Adam, and whoever else happens to cross the author's mind.

**  
She's So-and-So's younger sister. So-and-So is Duck's best friend. She flirts with him, he flirts back, but So-and-So would be furious if anything ever came of it!  
**And then the author spends the rest of the story making something come of it. This happens _a lot_ with Charlie and Adam. Adam's younger sister (or long lost twin sister) comes to Eden Hall. You know where this goes. Charlie wants to date her, but is afraid Adam will be furious, and Charlie spends a couple of hastily written chapters denying his feelings (which is supposed to build up sexual tension but is actually a lot of whining) and then too many drawn out chapters giving in to his feelings (which is supposed to be romantic but morphs into something rather disgusting). And then Charlie spends a few more chapters either being pleasantly surprised by Adam's approval or fighting with Adam about it, even though Adam always eventually comes around.  
While this is typically a Charlie and Adam plot, you see it with the Bash Brothers occasionally, and rarely with other combinations such as Adam and Guy or Dwayne and Russ.

**  
He's their sworn enemy. She's their teammate/good friend. They have to keep their love a secret, or all Hell will break loose…**  
Mary Sue and Rick Riley (or any member of the Varsity team, but usually Rick Riley) are instantly attracted to each other, but have to deny their lust because of the huge social disaster it would be. Sometimes a Varsity cheerleader will be interested in a Duck, like Mindy and myself…not that I'm bragging or anything. Then of course, they give in to their lust. Usually all members of opposing sides are made to look like idiots who see no shades of gray when the truth finally comes out. You know, everyone does an "It's us or them!" deal, even though in the real world it doesn't usually work that way and nobody really cares about who goes out with who. But since when has Mary Sue been subjected to the rules of the real world? Really. You'd think this was _West Side Story_. At least Mary Sue doesn't break out in musical numbers…oh God, I hope I haven't given her ideas.

**  
Their attraction is undeniable, but they can't leave and throw everything else away…  
**Basically a Duck with a girlfriend (usually Guy or Charlie) meets Mary Sue and the two of them fall madly in love. The problem? The Duck has a girlfriend (usually Connie or Linda) and Mary Sue has a boyfriend (a member of Varsity, maybe?). They deny their feelings because their romance would destroy all they hold dear! Their insignificant others are portrayed to be mentally instable and will collapse without them! They'd be shunned by their friends! Really, if Guy or Charlie thinks Connie or Linda is going to go kill themselves just because they got dumped, they've got another thing coming. I mean, really, this is high school, not an insane asylum. People aren't going to off themselves just because they get dumped. What are Mary Sue and said Ducky leaving and throwing away, exactly? Because I'm fairly certain that they'll still wake up and come to school the next day the way they always do. So it's a little awkward. Big deal. The consequences of this idea are vastly exaggerated.  
Anyway, as with the other stories, Ducky and Mary Sue try to ignore their feelings for a while but end up giving in to their desires and Eden Hall massively overreacts, as per usual.

**  
Now that we've seen the main Mary Sue seduction techniques used by authors, how can we avoid them?  
**Ah, good question. These techniques aren't necessarily the problem. They can be done and they can be done well. The key to writing the idea well, as is the key with defeating all aspects of Mary Sue, is to _remain realistic_. The world is not going to end when Charlie dumps Linda, and the Varsity team is not going to go Duck hunting just because a Duck happened to steal one of their girlfriends. Trust me, I know. Stick to realistic things. Sure maybe Rick will beat me up for stealing his girlfriend, but he's not going to beat up me _and_ Averman _and _Dwayne_ and _Ken. Stay in the real world, kiddies, and the story should turn out okay.

**  
And now?  
**Well, now it's time to say goodbye, as that about wraps up my lesson. Julie's up next with…smut! What a perfect follow up to this lesson! I wanted to do the smut lesson, but everyone says Julie won't turn it into a bad porno. Please. I wouldn't turn it into a bad porno! I'd turn it into a good porno! Ummm, I mean, I'm Luis, and if you want to find me, look for Mindy. I'm with her a lot. Good luck writing!


	10. Lesson 09

_Mary Sues 101  
Lesson 9: Smut – according to Julie_

* * *

Hello everyone! It's me, Julie Gaffney, and I was appointed by Charlie to teach the smut lesson. Luis begged me to trade but Charlie forbid it and considering pretty much everyone backed that decision, Luis decided to let it drop, and so here I am!

My word of warning is that since this lesson _is_ about smut, there are topics and words that are not suitable for younger learners. So if smut is dirty to you, or you find it a sin, or you're too young to know what it is, you might want to leave the room for this lesson.

That being said, let's get into the lesson then, shall we?

**What is smut?**  
Smut, for those of you who don't know, is some kind of sexual act that is graphically described within a story. It is one of the trickiest things to write in any kind of fiction. Sex is much easier to write in non-fiction and scientific books because they don't have to convey any emotion of any kind. But in a story, writing sex is hard. It has to be tasteful, it has to be in character to the character having it, it has to be believable and not stiff…just to name a few things it should be.

Unfortunately, in a story with Mary Sue, you tend to see a number of different types of smut written, none of which are usually very good. Let's go over them now.

**Melodramatic:**  
_He kissed her and she wept, overwhelmed by his strong but gentle touch. She lovingly opened herself to him and as he finally pushed into her, he wept too…_  
Yeah. You get it. Melodramatic Smut is typically very sappy. The author is attempting to write something moving but in the end really writes something kind of nauseating. There's a lot of weeping. You see it a lot with Loving Sue and Perfect Sue (well, if Perfect Sue sinks to the level of doing something as human as having sex). Adam is often a victim of Melodramatic Smut. You'd think he spent all his time weeping. Most people don't cry that much during sex; at least not during consensual sex.

**Crude:**  
_It was a good fuck. He pushed his big, throbbing cock into her dripping wet pussy…_  
Crude Smut does not have much going for it. It's not very classy, it's not very tasteful, it's more than a bit embarrassing. The Bash Brothers are often seen in stories like this, usually with Angsty or Naughty Sue. A little crudeness is okay, but only in small doses and usually as a reflection on sex. It is not good for a whole sex scene.

**Euphemism:**  
_She gently stroked his manhood with her hands. He fondled her lady lumps with tender fingers…_  
Euphemism Smut, along with Crude Smut, is often some of the most cringe-worthy smut. It is filled with replacement words for sexual organs and actual physical acts. Any slang word you can think of for "penis" is often applied. Words like "manhood" and "pulsating" are used a lot. Vomit is often induced. Luis often shows up in Euphemism Smut, as do Friendly Sue and Loving Sue. Euphemism Smut is awful. It is okay to throw in a euphemism here and there in a story, but really, please don't write a whole sex scene with euphemisms. It's awkward for all of us.

**Technical:**  
_First, he pushed his penis into her vagina, thrusting in and out. Then he stroked her clitoris with one hand while simultaneous stroking her breasts with the other…_  
Technical Smut is like reading a how-to guide. It almost feels like the author is writing sex in steps, in case you somehow want to follow along or teach yourself. Technical Smut isn't as awkward as Euphemism Smut but it conveys little emotion and seems very methodical and very unreal. Scientific terms are often used. Friendly Sue is featured in Technical Smut, though Angsty Sue also shows up as well.

**First Time:**  
_She put her mouth on his thingy and after he got a boner, then they did it…_  
First Time Smut is just that: the author's first time writing smut. It is usually a terrible combination of Crude, Technical, and Euphemism Smut, making it three times as uncomfortable as just one type of these smuts. It is hideously awkward and unemotional. The only thing that is forgivable about writing First Time Smut is that, unless the author never improves their writing, First Time Smut only happens the first time. But until next time, cringe and bear it. All Sues and Ducks can be in First Time Smut.

**Rape:**  
I'm not going to even give an example of this one. It pretty much speaks for itself. Mary Sue is raped by a Varsity member (or someone else in her life). Rape scenes are usually unnecessary though they do come up in higher rated stories, but the author usually has the good taste not to graphically describe rape to the reader. Maybe small flash backs or pieces to hint at what happened, but graphic rape scenes are not the route most authors take.

**So, how **_**do**_** you write a smut scene?**  
That, friends, is the tricky part. Smut must be "in character" for the characters having sex. Can I just add that Portman isn't that rough? Stop writing him that way! Yes, I've been with him. No, he didn't hurt me. I'm tired of people pairing me with Adam. Seriously. Adam's blonde haired and blue eyed. Portman's got sculpted abs, chest, and upper arms. You do the math. Hey, is it warm in here?

Oh right. Anyway. Smut must be "in character" for the characters having sex. Keep your characters in character. Do you really think Rick Riley would cry during sex? It must also be realistic. Keep it realistic. Nobody has sex like they're following a cake recipe. Make sure it flows. Don't use terribly embarrassing euphemisms. Just say what you mean. Or imply it.

But writing smut _is_ tricky. It's hard to do well. If you can avoid it, sometimes it might be a good idea just to skip it. But if you want to write smut, I find that this general rule is a good one to follow:  
**If it feels awkward to write, then it's twice as awkward to read.**  
Really! If you don't feel like you wrote it the right way, you probably didn't. Make sure you're comfortable with what you wrote and that you feel everything is smooth and in character. If you feel that way, then the readers probably will too.

Was that painful for everyone? I hope not! At least it wasn't a porno, so there, Luis! Anyway, Averman's up next with some lesson or another. He was going to try to work eating babies into his lesson but I'm not sure that's happening. You never know, Averman's a little strange sometimes. Anyway, I hope everyone had fun. And if you care about _me _having fun, write me in some smut with Portman, will ya?

Love,  
Julie


	11. Lesson 10

_Mary Sues 101  
Lesson 10: Problems Mary Sue Encounters – according to Averman_

* * *

.:. runs into the classroom, breathing heavily.:.

Sorry I'm late! .:.pants.:. Charlie insisted on .:.pants.:. giving me a .:.pants.:. twenty minute lecture on .:.pants.:. not incorporating .:.pants.:. eating babies into my lesson! .:.pants.:. Just a second.

.:.catches breath.:.

Okay, sorry about that, and again, sorry I'm late! Welcome to my lesson, which is "What Mary Sues Eat." Mary Sues favorite delicacies include escargot, crème brulee, readers' souls, and…BABIES!

Who didn't see that coming? Haha, I did it anyway. Take that Charlie!_ You_ can eat my shorts, as Bart Simpson likes to say.

Anyway, I'm Les Averman. Please just call me Averman. I have no idea what my parents were thinking when they named me "Lester." Worst name ever. It makes me sound like a dirty old man. So I'm Averman. My actual lesson is "Problems Mary Sue Encounters." The title of this lesson is kind of vague and lame for a very simple reason: we couldn't come up with a better one. Eden Hall doesn't really encourage creativity; they prefer we're all sheep who never stretch our imaginations. You are looking at the result.

So what do we mean by "problems" Mary Sue encounters? Mary Sue, like the rest of us, runs into a problem or two from day to day. But Mary Sue's problems aren't quite like yours or mine. While the rest of worry about failing math quizzes, ducking a bully, or even something as simple as deciding whether or not it's worth putting off your essay that's due in twenty minutes for another ten, Mary Sue is dealing with much bigger problems.

But what problems does Mary Sue encounter in stories?

Glad you asked. I have a list.

**Being Too Pretty:**  
Yes, Mary Sue is often despairing over her good looks. "BUT WHY AM I SO GORGEOUS!?" she wails. "WHY MUST EVERYONE STARE AT ME!?" This is usually followed by bitching about how nobody takes her seriously because she's so beautiful and everyone expects her to be model. This is then capped with a dramatic sigh. Yes, you are justified in being disgusted. Mary Sue is cursed by her beauty. And she moans about it constantly. Thank God we're not all so unfortunate. I mean, really, thank goodness my glasses and semi-fro don't do much to instantly attract the ladies. I'd still be a virgin if it wasn't for my charm and good sense of humor. Damn that personality.

**Being Too Nice:**  
Mary Sue is often too nice to people who don't deserve it, and then has her poor beautiful heart broken into a million little pieces. Mary Sue pisses and moans for chapter after chapter about how she is going to be "meaner." This usually results in some name calling, some spilling of someone else's secrets or spreading some gossip. But Mary Sue goes back to being all sweet and wonderful in the end, usually after her BFF's feelings were hurt in the process.

**Being Too Popular/Having Too Many Friends:**  
Mary Sue clearly has tons of friends since she's so beautiful and nice. Personality is clearly for losers. Anyway, Mary Sue is so popular that this causes a problem. She's been invited to ten parties on Saturday! How will she ever get to them all? Whose heart will she stomp on by not showing up, because a party just isn't a party until Mary Sue makes an appearance! Ordinarily, a bunch of drunken kids at a house party aren't going to notice if one person doesn't show up. But this is Mary Sue! She rides in on a unicorn, and is made of candy, smells of cinnamon, and radiates sunshine! _Of course_ people are going to notice if _she_ doesn't show up.

**Being Too Talented:**  
This is another one of Mary Sue's problems. She's just so talented that people expect too much of her. In the real world people who feel this way are clearly exaggerating, but this is Mary Sue! She's actually talented, unlike the rest of us losers. It doesn't matter if it is at hockey, or school, or dancing, or whatever it is, but Mary Sue has unreasonable expectations put upon her by everyone. This also happens to Banks a lot, but Banks handles it like a man. He doesn't cry (or cut himself); he just handles it, contrary to popular belief. But Mary Sue will have a whine-fest about it for at least six chapters, moaning and groaning about how the bar is set so high that even Mary Sue is afraid she won't reach it! But she always does in the end. She's Mary Sue.

**Being Too Smart:**  
This is sometimes "being too talented" but ocassionally is so exaggerated it should get a category of its own. Mary Sue is so smart that people use her for her mind (not just her body)! Those bastards! Nobody actually wants to be Mary Sue's friend, they just want her to help them study! She then falls for some guy who uses her and then it takes a Duck to point out that she's being used and saves the day, clearly not using her for her mind! This rarely occurs, because being really smart isn't usually "cool" to the author, but it does happens from time to time.

Well, there you have it, those are the five biggest problems Mary Sue encounters in stories. I kid you not, I've seen all of these at different points. Make sure a character's problems are legitimate, will ya? There is nothing more obnoxious than someone whining about being too pretty.

Portman's up next with the "injuries, mishaps, and death" lesson. Portman is so psyched for his lesson; he managed to work in motorcycles, hockey, and large bird eating spiders from South America, from what I understand. I don't think he actually _has_ a large bird eating spider from South America, but if you're worried, you should move your seat to the back of the room.

Eat babies!  
-Averman

PS: No, I'm _not_ a virgin. So there, fandom, so there.


	12. Lesson 11

_Mary Sues 101  
Lesson 11: Injuries, Mishaps, and Death! – according to Portman_

* * *

Hi dudes and dudettes! I'm the cute Bash Brother. My name's Dean Portman. I go by Portman. Everyone calls me Portman. You, too, can call me Portman. The only one who doesn't call me Portman is Julie, who calls me…nevermind.

I get to do the "Injuries, Mishaps, and Death!" lesson. The others have been leaving out the exclamation point the whole time, but that's going to change, starting right now. The exclamation point is important, people! Let's be a little enthusiastic about this!

I know Averman got all your hopes up about large bird eating spiders from South America, but unfortunately, I was not able to acquire one. Stop looking so relieved! Life is a party, people, you're still bigger than the spider! So _what_ if it's the size of your hands? Man up!

Anyway, as you might have guessed, I will be covering Mary Sue's injuries, mishaps, and death(!). I see that some of you look hopeful, but don't be, as this isn't nearly as satisfying as it sounds. The first thing you must realize going into this is that Mary Sue does not die nearly as often as you would like and her injuries are hardly gruesome enough to qualify as cool – although she will bitch about a broken bone like she got her leg amputated.

Okay, so let's break this down, shall we?

**Injuries:**  
Mary Sue's injuries are typically caused by a number of things.

Most commonly, Mary Sue's injuries are sports injuries. She twisted her ankle running, she broke her arm wrestling, she landed on her head pole-vaulting (although this does suspiciously little damage), etc… Mary Sue's sports injuries are often the cause of great angst for Sue and for the reader, who like I said before, has to listen to Mary Sue whine about a broken leg like she had to get it amputated. More often than not, a sports injury occurs in extremely dramatic fashion - a la any injury Banksie's ever had. That kid has a bad luck streak a mile wide, has anyone else noticed?

Back on point, most people don't get all their injuries at the most unfortunate possible moment. The worst injury I've ever had, a badly twisted knee, occurred in practice. We were skating laps, absolutely nothing dramatic was going on, and my skate got caught in a rut. And guess what? In spite of the fact that it wasn't in front of an anxious crowd of adoring fans one goal down against the Varsity team, it still hurt real bad and I still missed two weeks.

And don't kid yourself – no matter how much Mary Sue says she's going to put on a brave face, and try to walk it off or tough it out, it is always much worse than it originally appears and she can't possibly continue to play. The author also tends to make it sound like this injury is devastating to us, the Ducks, which is simply not true. We won plenty of games before Mary Sue joined the team, we can win plenty of games without her.

Mary Sue's other injuries most often come from two other sources: other people and herself. In spite of the fact Mary Sue is the greatest gift to God's green Earth, there are a lot of people who seem to want to beat her up. (Ha! Imagine that!) This person is usually the villain of the story. Rick Riley. Cole. Mary Sue's abusive parents. You get the idea.

When I say Mary Sue injures herself, I mean to say that she cuts herself. Angsty Sue and Naughty Sue are most likely to pull out the razorblade and have a party. Not to mock people with a real problem, but most people don't wear short sleeves if they're slicing their wrists. Mary Sue does…absent-mindedly and never whoring for attention, of course. These injuries are typically noticed by a Duck, and said Duck helps Mary Sue work through her self hatred of being too pretty and too nice and too talented to become the same really annoying person, minus the scars.

**Mishaps:**  
Technically I suppose a mishap and an injury can be the same thing, but for our purposes, I'm classifying a mishap as something that doesn't typically happen (though yes, it can cause injuries). Typically used for dramatic effect, mishaps include out of the ordinary accidents and disasters that happen only to Mary Sue.

Example A: Motorcycle Accident

Mary Sue is far too gentile to ever be riding a motorcycle. Even Naughty Sue doesn't go that far! But sure enough, the second Mary Sue even notices a motorcycle go by on the road, this is the signal that Mary Sue is going to have a huge accident. She's going to get on the back of a motorcycle driven by myself, or Fulton, or Rick Riley, or some other unsuspecting soul who is probably a halfway decent biker, and that person and Mary Sue are going to be in a terrible crash.

Example B: Falling Down the Stairs

Mary Sue is late for a class where she has a test. OH NO! It is, of course, raining outside and the stairs are slippery. Not only are the stairs slippery from the water, the school's custodial staff has just waxed them with floor polish, and somebody has left a banana peel on them. Mary Sue hits the stairs, goes flailing around in a desperate effort to regain her balance, and is nearly home free when she slips on the banana peel, breaks ten bones, and is put into traction for the rest of the year, all the while saying she will be brave but actually spending a tremendous amount of time complaining about how much it hurts.

Example C: Getting Hit by Lightning

Mary Sue is outside walking to her dorm, or to class, when all of a sudden a lightning bolt appears from nowhere and strikes her down in her path. From out of nowhere. On a beautiful sunny day. Don't worry though! She's going to be fine. Even an Act of God cannot defeat Mary Sue!

Yes, the odd event does occasionally happen to somebody. So-and-so _does_ get struck by lighting. Joe Schmoe does win the lottery. Average Citizen does have traumatic head injuries from falling scaffolding. Mr. John Doe does get electrocuted by a man-hole cover. But these things seem to happen more often than they should to Mary Sue. Just remember that it's not likely for someone's luck to be _that_ bad or tragic, okay?

**Death:**  
Question: what do the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, and Mary Sue's death have in common? Answer: they are considered by most people to be myths and legends, kept alive and at the forefront of human consciousness by conspiracy theorists, questionable video and photographic footage, and lunatics.

I can't speak for Nessie or Big Foot, but I can say with certainty that Mary Sue's death is NOT a myth! While it is rarer than most endangered species, Mary Sue's death has been written and witnessed by a small number of authors and audiences who were lucky enough to catch each other at the right place and time. So yes, there is hope out there! In spite of the rarity, we do have a small sample size to help us learn and make predictions about Mary Sue's demise.

The first, and most important thing to know about Mary Sue's death is that it will be tragic. And not just regular, run of the mill young-person-struck-down-in-the-prime-of-life tragic. Completely over the top people-are-screaming-babies-are-crying tragic. Even if it's not.

**Death by Illness:**  
You are looking at two scenarios here. The first, and most likely, is that Mary Sue gets cancer. Probably leukemia. Didn't you know that cancer is the ONLY disease that can kill? In this case, all the Ducks, everyone in canon, and possibly everyone Mary Sue has ever met will try to be donor matches, but nobody is and Mary Sue somehow goes through round after round of chemotherapy while still managing to look like an angel, in spite of the fact that chemo makes you sick and lose all your hair. Don't worry though, her eyes still have that great twinkle!

The second scenario, which is much less likely, is that Mary Sue gets some rare, incurable disease that nobody has ever heard of and puts up a valiant fight but dies tearfully anyway even though she is such a fighter.

**Death by Injury:**  
Remember that motorcycle accident I mentioned previously? Sometimes Mary Sue dies from things like this. Automobile accidents and sporting accidents ("sporting accidents" as in "skiing into a tree," and not "bum ankle") are usually what will make up Mary Sue's uber-tragic end. Yes, I said uber. Don't mock me, guy sniggering in the back row, I can still kill you.

**Death by Suicide/Drug Overdose:**  
Not likely, but possible. Occasionally, if we're really lucky, Mary Sue's token dark secret (and the drugs/cutting she does because of it) kills her. Happiness is a warm gun, after all. Thank you, John Lennon.

**Death by Murder:**  
Never. Nobody in the story ever wants to kill Mary Sue. That is only the reader.

**Gruesome Death:**  
Hemorrhagic fevers? Eaten by rabid wild animals? Scalped by a lawn mower? Never. Anything that could almost be considered "cool" by the reader because it is so awful does not happen to Mary Sue. Mary Sue is never gruesome, and always dies looking like a beautiful fairy/pixie/nymph/angel. Even in a fourteen car pileup that Mary Sue crawls out of from the bottom, there is not one hair out of place! There is no blood or and no body parts are torn off! There is massive internal bleeding that cannot be seen and Mary Sue dies of that. But actual blood outside the body? No.

**And finally…**  
The last thing you need to know about Mary Sue's death is that no matter what is happening, whether she is terminally sick or fatally injured or about to kill herself accidentally on purpose, she will always have time to make a long, sappy speech, usually to a loved one (aka: a Duck) right before the moment of her death about how much she loves them and tells them to say goodbye to her dear friends and/or family for her. Always, without fail, THIS.

Well, that about wraps it up for the Injuries, Mishaps, and Death! lesson of this course. Sorry I didn't have the spider but I hope you all had as good a time as I did with this. And remember, injuries, mishaps, and death! can be fun as long as it's Mary Sue you're talking about.

I have a date with Julie, so I'm leaving you flat, to tell you the truth. But never fear! Banksie is up next with a lesson about Gary Stu, who is, from what I understand, Mary Sue but male. Hey, nobody said this class was easy. Welcome to the jungle, kids.

Dean Portman signing off.


	13. Lesson 12

_Mary Sues 101  
Lesson 12: Gary Stu – according to Adam_

_

* * *

  
_Hi everybody! My name is Adam Banks. Can I start off by saying that I'm the best player on the Ducks? Because I am. It's why they make fun of me, they're jealous. No, really. My life isn't that bad, I'm not suicidal, my father is not some kind of overbearing Michael Jackson's father type of psycho who beats me if I –

..._phone rings_...

Oh, hang on a second.

..._answers phone_...

Hello? … Oh, hey Dad … No, I don't really have a minute, I'm - … I know I got a ninety-six on the test … Dad, ninety-six is a _good_ grade … I know I could have gotten a hundred, but I mixed up … You know what Dad, I'm in class, can I call you back later? Yeah, we'll talk about it this weekend … Yeah, bye.

..._hangs up the phone._..

What was I saying? Oh right. He just wants me to get good grades. I swear. Don't look at me like that, really, I'm fine. Look!

..._shows arms_...

No scars, see?

Anyway, maybe we should get to the lesson, huh?

So what do we know about Gary Stu? Gary Stu is more or less Mary Sue's male counterpart. Like Mary Sue, Gary Stu attracts every member of the opposite sex in the story. Like Mary Sue, Gary Stu has shining hair, good skin, shining eyes and a fabulous bod. Yes, I said, a _fabulous bod_.

Like Mary Sue, there are different types of Gary Stus that crop up in the Ducks fandom. Let's take a look at them.

**All-American Stu  
**_He's sexy! He's cute! He's popular to boot! He's bitchin', great hair, the girls all love to stare! He's wanted, he's hot, he's everything you're not!  
_Yes, All-American Stu is THAT guy. This probably goes without saying, but he is spectacularly good looking. He plays at least two varsity sports and gets amazingly good grades. He is popular and charming and of course, every girl in a two mile radius becomes a big gloppy pile of goo in his presence because "lyk OMG i totalleeee wish he wuz mine!" Much like Perfect Sue, there is nothing All-American Stu can't accomplish! He will typically join the Ducks on the ice and proceed to make everyone look like they're in the pre-Bombay era of their lives. Oh, and he's probably arrogant as hell – of course, in the story, nobody really can fault him for that. It's only in real life he'd get the shit kicked out of him.**  
Unwitting Romantic Victim:** usually Julie.**  
Best Mate(s): **me, unfortunately, along with any member of the Varsity team.  
**Does He Appear Often?: **All-American Stu is quite common in this fandom. If the author is not using an original character, the author often turns Scooter into All-American Stu.

**Geeky Stu  
**Okay, brace yourselves, this is BIG: Geeky Stu _may_ _wear glasses_. That's right, you heard it here first! Geeky Stu's eyesight may be less than perfect! Don't get me wrong though; this does NOT mean that Geeky Stu is ugly. Oh no, even a Stu with glasses does not have acne or anything like that. Behind those glasses is a handsomely boyish face, even though he is also a geek. What makes Geeky Stu a geek, you ask? Well, Geeky Stu is typically a smart guy, extremely good with computers, and obsessed with something, well, geeky – think science fiction, baseball stats, magic cards, video games, comic books, etc… But never fear! Behind the geekiness is a kind soul who will eventually overcome his nerdy personality flaws to sweep a leading lady (read: Connie or Julie) off her feet! Geeky Stu may also be subjected to a number of clumsy accidents, and torture by the "the popular crowd." He is a geek, after all. Averman, Russ, Kenny, and Goldberg are often turned into Geeky Stu if the author isn't inserting an original character.**  
Uwitting Romantic Victim: **Connie.**  
Best Mate(s): **Averman is often Geeky Stu's best friend, followed closely by Russ, Kenny, and Goldberg. Shocking, right?**  
Does He Appear Often?:** Geeky Stu's popularity as an original character comes and goes, however, Averman, Kenny, Russ, and Goldberg are often morphed into Geeky Stu.

**Emo Stu  
**Emo Stu is Angsty or Naughty Sue but in male form. You know how annoying it is when girls whine? Well, it's twice as annoying when guys whine. But don't worry! Like his female twin, just before he is about to make that fatal slash with the blade (no doubt listening to Evanescence at the time) his female love interest will rush in to save his life! How heroic! How lovely! How touching! How predictable! Seriously, you'd think they'd come up with something new…**  
Unwitting Romantic Victim: **Connie, usually, but sometimes Julie too...  
**Best Mate(s): **Fulton, sadly, usually has to deal with Emo Stu. Fulton is often labeled as violent and short tempered, but he actually has the patience of a saint since, as far as I know, he's committed no murders. Oh, and me. Emo Stu and I sometimes wallow in self-pity together.**  
Does He Appear Often?: **In the fandom that is overwhelmed with absolutely gorgeous yet tortured girls? You better believe it. I sometimes get to be Emo Stu. Fulton, Charlie, and Guy are often turned into Emo Stu as well.

**Gay Buddy Stu  
**Gay Buddy Stu is rather unique in that, well, he's gay. Not a lot of gay Stus floating around but there is one. Gay Buddy Stu is most likely a social outcast who attaches themselves to the Ducks because they are also social outcasts! Woohoo! Sometimes though, Gay Buddy Stu is just someone who shows up in the story to giggle about how cute guys are with Connie and Julie. Amazingly nice and without a doubt tremendously good looking, the reader will be subjected to all the females in the story saying something along the lines of "Why are the good ones taken or gay!" at least fifty times each. Maybe someday he will advance a plotline, but that remains to be seen.  
**Unwitting Romantic Victim: **Charlie and myself (I'm actually beginning to feel sorry for myself, by the way). Sometimes another person, which is a wonderful relief.  
**Best Mate(s)**: Connie and Julie, followed by me, Charlie, or whoever they're harboring secret romantic feelings for.  
**Does He Appear Often?: **No. Usually if the author wants to write an original character with romantic feelings for a male duck, the author just writes a girl.

**Best Friend Stu  
**He is (usually) Connie's/Julie's bestest best friend, and guess what? He's hiding a giant crush on her. He's SO nice, and SO charismatic, and SO great a guy that everyone just loves him to death, even if he isn't particularly smart (like Geeky Stu) or handsome and charming (All-American Stu). Yeah, he's pretty boring, actually. But like every Stu, he gets his girl in the end.  
**Unwitting Romantic Victim: **Julie, usually, but sometimes Connie too.  
**Best Mate(s):** Julie and/or Connie before she discovers his SUPER!SECRET CRUSH. Guy, for some reason, even though sometimes Best Friend Stu is trying to steal his girlfriend. Charlie. Me. Anyone, really, as BFS is so disgustingly nice that everyone loves him.  
**Does He Appear Often?:** Not as much as he used to appear. More often than not, a Duck is turned into BFS.

I've mentioned it in the individual descriptions but it's important for me to point out that more often than not, authors tend to turn canon characters into Stus. For some reason, they are adverse to writing guys as original characters – probably because most writers are girls, and it's hard to insert yourself into the story as a guy.

Anyway, that's the lesson on Gary Stus. Goldberg is up next with the final lesson, called 'Mutated Sues' or something like that. He was still playing around with it; Goldberg is a bit of procrastinator, which is why his grades aren't as good as they could be. I start all my work promptly, and I get As. It's not a coincidence.

Anyway, I think that's everything you need to know about Gary Stus. I'll see you all at the Q&A at the end of the course. For now, I'm going to call my dad back. No, for the last time, I'm not going to commit suicide over it and he's not going to beat me. He just wants me to be able to go to any college I want, he doesn't want me to kill myself. I'm just saying, because it seems a common misconception! Everything is fine.

Happy Stu hunting!

Peace out,  
Adam Banks


	14. Lesson 13

_Mary Sues 101  
Lesson 13: Mutated Sues – according to Goldberg_

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Hey everyone! I'm Greg Goldberg, but typically I'm just called Goldberg or Goldie. Hmm, Charlie said I should probably tell you about myself. Well, I play hockey, obviously. I am Julie's backup goalie now, but Coach Orion converted me to a defenseman. I am one of very few athletic Jews. I like reading newspapers, biographies, and stuff about Chinese astrology, watching old westerns and the Food Network, cooking, all types of music and even playing some video games.

Okay, does anyone else feel like I should just sign up for e-harmony? Because really, why do any of you need to know this? Is anyone trying to match themselves up with me based on forty-nine different deep, meaningful levels of compatibility? No? Well, okay then.

I'm doing a lesson on 'Mutated Mary Sues,' which is sort of like the evolution of Sues as a species. See? Darwin was right about evolution.

We ought to cover these Sues, I guess? And Banks is so wrong, I did NOT leave this lesson to the last minute. I started it two, no almost THREE hours ago. I was only tweaking it an hour ago. So there.

Onwards to the lesson, then, huh?

**Overview**  
What you really need to know going into this is that Mutated Sues are still Sues. They are considered 'mutated' because they come from 'regular' Sues but aren't exactly the same. Mutated Sues are the weirdos you find in every breed, and are almost like hybrids. Canon Sue is a cousin of Perfect, Loving, and Friendly Sue because she possesses qualities of those Sues but isn't an original character. Most likely, the author was trying to write the canon character and failed (miserably). Yenta Sue comes from Friendly and Loving Sue because she has qualities of both and as a result does something slightly different with herself, but is still a Sue in that she is perfectly beautiful and wonderful (and maybe tormented) all over.

**Canon Sue**  
She's dark. She's dangerous. She's typically Connie. Canon Sue is a canon character turned into a Mary Sue by the author, where all her canon characteristics vanish and she becomes a shadow of her former self. It's sort of like an 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers' type of deal, except humanity is never warned. Like I said, this typically happens to Connie, although Julie and Linda also are victims of being Canon Sue-d.  
It is also important to note that male Ducks are often turned into Canon Stus. Most original characters in the Duck fandom are female and can't be Canon Sues, but male Ducks are often Canon Stu-d (review your notes of Banksie's lesson on Gary Stu for more details).**  
Family Tree**: Perfect Sue, Loving Sue, Friendly Sue.**  
Chums: **any Duck, as it is usually Connie or Julie.

**Lesbian Sue**  
Lesbian Sue is unique in the fact that she is a lesbian. Lesbian Sue is incredibly uncommon, and the only reason I know she isn't a myth is because I've seen lesbian original characters in the Ducks fandom, so the Sues must be out there. But you know how often I've seen lesbian original characters? Twice, and they weren't even attracted to Connie or Julie, but to each other. Lesbian Sue is an exceptionally rare breed of Sue, as most Sues are self-inserts of authors with a crush on one of the guys (read: Adam or Charlie or Portman). The rest of us are more or less ignored. Poor Kenny. Remember his sexually frustrated rant from the first lesson? Yeah. Anyway, Lesbian Sue continues ignoring Kenny and is just that: a lesbian. Her crush will typically be Connie or Julie, I imagine, as there are only two girls on the Ducks.  
Because there are so few Lesbian Sues, I can only give you an educated guess on what I think will happen, which begins with Lesbian Sue having a crush on Connie/Julie. Lesbian Sue uses lots of slang terms to refer to gays, as it is considered "cool" these days to degrade yourself, right? The rest of the story will proceed similarly to a regular romance, with one exception: there is a possibility that Connie/Julie will tell Lesbian Sue that she doesn't swing that way but is very flattered and still wants to be friends. This, however, is a small possibility as this is a Sue we're talking about. I imagine that Lesbian Sue would be friends with all the guys as well.  
But as I said, Lesbian Sue is extremely, extremely rare. This is unchartered territory, and we're not entirely sure how she operates. If you see one, proceed with caution.**  
Family Tree: **Angsty Sue, Naughty Sue.  
**Chums: **Portman, Fulton.

**Yenta Sue**  
For those of you who don't have Jewish grandmothers, and haven't been forced to sit through 'Fiddler on the Roof' sixty-two times and counting, a yenta is Yiddish term for a matchmaker. More modernly, it is term for someone who is meddlesome, gossipy, and a bit of a nuisance, but that's not what that person is in this case. Yenta Sue is a matchmaker and never meddlesome, because Sues have no bad qualities. Yenta Sue usually has unrequited love for a character (let's say Banksie, since he is everyone's favorite example) but wants him to be happy, and sets him up with the girl of his dreams (let's say Julie…and please don't kill me, Portman, this is just an example). Anyway, this usually means lots of angst for poor Yenta Sue, but don't worry, she's a Sue. She steals Adam's soul in the end.  
Occasionally there is no unrequited love and Yenta Sue is just doing a friend a favor, but not usually. Unrequited love is something that typically goes with Suedom.**  
Family Tree: **Loving Sue, Friendly Sue.  
**Chums: **Adam, Charlie, Guy, Luis.

**Bitchy Snob Sue**  
Bitchy Snob Sue is another one where the name pretty much speaks for itself. This Sue is a bitchy snob. She is most likely outside the Ducks social circle and in very tight with the Varsity team. Think Varsity cheerleader. She is bitchy because she isn't very nice, and is a snob because she thinks she's better than everyone else. I don't really know how to make this any clearer. There are two things that keep her from being an actual person instead of a Sue and they are 1) she is STILL perfectly beautiful, and 2) she probably has some dark secret that makes "being a huge bitch to poor kids" her "defense mechanism."  
Will Bitchy Snob Sue eventually see the error of her ways and become de-snobbed and de-bitchified? Of course. And she might even try to bring together everyone no matter what their social circle! She's quite the humanitarian. But this is what makes Bitchy Snob Sue unique to even this group of Sues: she morphs into a regular Sue by the end of the story – like a friggen butterfly. This often happens to Luis's girlfriend and other members of the Varsity cheerleading squad. Linda is also sometimes portrayed as a Bitchy Snob Sue.**  
Family Tree: **Perfect Sue, Naughty Sue. An odd combination, but true none-the-less.**  
Chums: **The Varsity team, and whichever Duck she ends up befriending/romancing.

Of course, there are other mutations out there, but these are the major ones that lurk even more deeply in the shadows. You really ought to be afraid of the dark. But that about wraps up my lesson.

Now, this was the final lesson, so we should break for lunch and then we Ducks can hold a Question and Answer session to clear up any issues and questions people may have.

See you back here in a bit!  
-Goldberg


End file.
